Learning to Set Boundaries

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Each and every one of us has ownership over our thoughts, behaviours and beliefs. How we show up in the world is ours,  that's our power and our choice. The challenge is, we often unknowingly give away that power. We’ve learned this because it’s where we've been taught to believe that our success comes from other people. So as an example, in the workplace, we give away our careers to our employers. We say that if I show up and if I play by the rules, and if I do what my manager says, they're the ones that actually have the power to progress me in my career. In our relationships, maybe as a woman you were taught that success was getting married and being a homemaker or that you wouldn't actually be able to achieve anything without a man in your life or vice versa. Maybe you're a man and you've learned that you won't be successful unless you have a career that makes a lot of money that lets you support somebody else, be that a wife or partner or children. In all of these cases, what society tells us and sells us, is that our success is dependent on giving our power away to a system that knows the key to success, or to another person because it's their opinion of us, their approval of us, that defines our success. So we can't actually progress without their participation, without them actually behaving in a certain way that allows it to be so and this is simply not true. That brings us to boundaries.

Boundaries are teaching other people how to treat us. That's the line that we don't want other people to cross because it goes against our values, our sense of personal safety, our sense of who we are. Boundaries can look like someone is throwing their anger at you and you respond with “That's not ok! I will not allow you to speak to me that way”. Or perhaps someone standing too close to me. “I like my personal space, please give me some space”. Boundaries can even be as simple as a conversation with someone else when you need their emotional support because you're going through a problem, and they show up trying to solve your problem. Boundaries can also be “you know I don't need you to solve my problem. I just need you to hold space for me so that I can share what I'm feeling”. And this goes back to how we want others to treat us. We're asking for what we want & need. 

When I was young, I was told “be grateful for what you get.” It taught me that I shouldn't ask for what I want, that I should just accept what I'm given, but that is giving away power. That is telling me that my happiness, my satisfaction in life is based on what somebody else chooses to give to me rather than me being empowered to choose for myself. To actually go out & ask for what I want. To just go out and get it for myself. That is within my power so a lot of us have learned to give away our power and to not set boundaries, which means people can walk all over us. It taught us that people can hand us whatever they want, whatever they don't want, for us to manage. And that can result in all sorts of wounds and trauma and issues that then cause problems for us as we try to navigate this world. So what do we do about it? 

It starts with our beliefs. Ask yourself, where are you giving away your power? Where are you telling the world that somebody else is in charge of your life and your experience? Where are you not setting boundaries? A good place to start is to notice where you get frustrated with other people's behaviour. Look into that a little deeper and ask what is it about this behaviour that is creating my reaction? Are they crossing a line somehow in the way they enter your life, speak to you or behave? It can be something as innocuous as someone attempting to do something for you thinking that they're helping but really what they are doing is trying to make themselves feel better. It's the underlying motivation for the behaviour which is more about the other person than it is about you. Now the flip side, we can also learn that asking for help is weakness and that comes back to boundaries. Asking for help is actually being in our power and knowing where we need support. It's not a weakness at all, but actually a power position because we're taking charge of wanting to move forward and solve a problem for ourselves. We can't do it alone so we make the conscious choice to go and ask for that support.

Next is awareness. Become aware of your personal power, be aware of what that means, and how it shows up or doesn't show up. Become aware of how it is related to boundaries and ask yourself if you ever considered your boundaries? Some people naturally are good at it, but those of us that have learned to be beaten down by the world, not so much. 

Finally, once you’ve identified where you need to set or confirm your boundaries with others, you can start to practice communicating those boundaries. This means finding your voice in those situations where others are not respecting your boundaries. You can even practice this with yourself in the mirror by making statements that aren’t emotionally charged but still strong. Statements like, "I appreciate your perspective but I’m not willing to engage with you when you speak to me that way". Another great tip I’ve learned recently from Jefferson Fisher is pause, silence, and slow. Take a breath before you respond. This pause gives you the chance to let your body know you are safe. This also creates silence, which is the opposite of a reaction the other person may be looking to create. Finally, speak slowly and firmly. This shows you are in control of your words and gives the other person the indication you have thought about your response and are in control of your words. This places you in a position of power within the conversation. Sometimes people just don’t want to hear you and may still respond with anger or aggression. At this point, you still have the choice to end the conversation by simply stating “As I said before, I’m not willing to engage with you when you speak to me this way so I am ending the conversation and leaving”. This communicates your intentions and shows you are holding your boundary. Once you leave with confidence the other person cannot respond or continue the conversation.

Boundaries empower us to speak our truth and teach others what we expect and what we require to be in a relationship. It can be challenging and requires work but the more you practice, the easier it gets. Those who are worth having in your life will respect you and those not worth having will continue to try to give you their baggage. When people show you who they are, believe them! Prioritize yourself and make the choice to keep only those who show up the way you deserve.