Anticipating Other People’s Needs

Sometimes it can be a fine line between thoughtfulness and people pleasing

Most people would say it is a gift to intuit and observe others in a way that allows you to anticipate their needs. These people are considered thoughtful, a good host, even magical. It can feel really good to be on the receiving end of someone that shows up like this. However, there is a shadow side to this behaviour.

I grew up in a large family and heard things like "'children are better seen and not heard". I had big emotions that made a lot of others uncomfortable and I was derided for expressing myself. This taught me to avoid negative reactions in others by becoming a people pleaser. I learned to mask my big emotions and hide my true self to avoid conflict and uncomfortable interactions with others. I am naturally a keen observer and highly intuitive. So I began using those strengths to anticipate other people's reactions and needs so I could gain control and feel capable of handling whatever might come my way. 

I also grew up in a strong Roman Catholic religion so no one talked about their feelings and ignored conflict through avoidance. So avoidance was the way I learned to deal with the world. I also did not learn to create boundaries because I was a people pleaser. This lack of boundaries meant that I would choose to anticipate and meet the needs of others at a cost to myself. I created an expectation in others that they could "count on me" even if it meant I was doing something that wasn't in my best interest or for my higher good. I sacrificed my wants and needs for those of others. I did this for long enough that I became resentful and bitter. Then I ended up not knowing how to get out of it because the way out is through boundaries, which requires courage and the desire or will to put myself first. I became afraid others would label me as selfish which created more conflict and I would end up giving in because I hadn't learned it's OK to say "no" and those who really loved me would be respectful of my boundaries, and that includes family. 

I’ve learned through wisdom teachers like Lee Harris, that everyone has wounding, and all conflict energy is wounded energy. So when others respond to boundaries in a negative way, it is from a place of their own wounding. The path to healing is awareness and self-love. Begin by paying attention to how you feel. When you say "yes" does it feel authentic? When you fall short of anticipating the needs of others do you feel guilty? Do you feel overwhelmed or burdened by the expectations from others? 

If you said "yes" to these questions, it's time to ask yourself why. Are you anticipating the needs of others to avoid something? Have you set boundaries related to your time and effort? Can you say" no" to things from a place of authenticity, knowing you may disappoint someone? This isn't an easy path to walk because these can be wounds and trauma that run deep. But facing our shadow side is simply tending to these wounds and showing self-love. What if you chose to treat yourself in the same way you treat others? What if you give yourself the same love and consideration you give others? What if you began to anticipate your own needs? We teach others how to treat us. So why not simply model how we deserve to be treated, by treating ourselves with the love and respect we know at our core we deserve?