Practicing Radical self-acceptance

Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels

Growing up I remember being happy and full of life. I remember loving who I was and feeling like I knew who I was. Then, at some point something changed. I don't know what it was but all of a sudden, people stopped thinking I was cute and started to reject me. I remember some kids on the street telling me they couldn't play with me any more because I had glasses. I was barely 5 years old. Somehow, my need for glasses made me an outcast. I was confused. I hadn't changed, I was still me. But the rejection in that moment changed me. For years I struggled. The more I was myself, the more I was rejected. School was easy for me and so being smart became another reason to not like me. I was always kind and drawn to anyone that was an outcast. I think it was because I knew how it felt to be rejected for not fitting in. I felt more and more like I didn't belong so I began to learn what to do to become less of a target. I began to withdraw.

But what I didn't do was stop expressing my gifts. I was determined to continue to do well in school. I learned to play the piano and music became my refuge. I used music to express all the heartache and disappointment. I found it easy to learn to play music so I continued to excel. Doing well was the one thing that gained me acceptance from adults. Doing well in school was valued and I found it easy so I focused on that. It didn't matter that I had very few friends or that my peers constantly rejected me, I needed to feel acceptance so that became my focus. 

I didn't learn until many years later that all this time, I was also an empath. I was highly sensitive and felt everything, even when they weren't my own emotions. I didn't know then how to discern what belonged to me and what belonged to others. I was too emotional and had to learn how to hide and dampen that part of myself. So I kept it all in and spent a lot of time alone in my room crying. I was sad all the time and couldn't understand why people behaved the way they did. People confused me and I struggled to know how to act to avoid other people's reactions. I became a people pleaser and turned inward as a way to protect myself. 

I began to believe I was flawed in some way and not worthy of being loved. I chose relationships where I would be rejected or abused because I unconsciously felt that was what I deserved. I have spent years uncovering my understanding of my past so I could begin to heal it. I dove deep into all those emotions and asked a lot of questions - mostly “why?” As I've pursued my healing journey and came back to myself, I discovered how much of me I hid from the world. I couldn't express my emotions in front of my partner and kids and had to slowly get to a place where I could show my vulnerabilities and sensitivity without fear of some kind of feared retribution. The more I pushed myself to show who I was, the more confident I became and that retribution never came, because in the presence of love, there is true safety and security. All of those years of rejection taught me it wasn't safe to be my highly sensitive self. It is still an ongoing process, but I've committed to do the work to feel confident that loving who I am, loving every part of me, and believing I am worthy, will get me to a place where I ­can be that child again that was in touch with their soul and could express it without fear.

There will always be people that can’t love and accept me for who I am - I just don't want to be one of them!