Stop carrying stuff that isn't yours

The Truth about our Wounding

Photo Credit: Nathan Cowley on Pexels

Have you ever considered that you might be carrying around a ton of baggage that isn't yours? No wonder you are so tired! You came back from a trip in your experience where you met a bunch of different people and wherever you encountered someone that treated you badly, you made the decision to pick up their stuff and carry it.

Let's step back for a moment and review the inspiration for this post. I came across a remarkable human called Jefferson Fisher. Jefferson specializes in communication. I watched an interview where he provided such clarity for the host in the most kind way. She spoke about having an experience at the age of 19 where a friend's mother commented on her weight which resulted in her feeling wounded so much that she recalls it even to this day! Jefferson looked at her and kindly reflected... 

“it hurts and you carry it as much as you decide it hurts and how much you want to carry so even when you say “well I’ve remembered it forever”, well that wasn’t her choice, it was yours.” 

Mic. Drop. 

How many times have we all done this? In my shadow work over the years I found myself asking" why do I only remember the times someone hurt me?” Seriously I don't remember much from my childhood, let alone anything good. This is the way we are programmed by the world. The news is negative, the drama of conflict is addictive. We are trained to focus on the problem. We are trained to pick up and carry the baggage that other people hand us. We choose what memories we carry. Some of us end up choosing to carry the baggage of the world.

How can we possibly be happy when we are weighed down by all of this? How might this show up in our life or even our body? What would happen if we chose to put it all down? That is what shadow work is for me. It isn't some nefarious, dark, scary entity we need to exorcise. Rather it’s revealing what remains hidden from our conscious mind. The shadow is simply the polar opposite of the sun shining bright. It is the area of our life that lacks light, or where the light is dimmed, sometimes to the point of real darkness. We ignore the dark out of fear - out of avoidance - because we don't want to experience the emotions tied to it. Emotions we still feel on some level but can't quite explain.

So how do we drop our bags off at the door to our new life? We first acknowledge the bags we are carrying…. “I picked up this baggage from my mother and carried this comment from them. I'm choosing, in this moment, to put it down. It hurt, but it came from their wounding (or insecurity). It isn't mine and it wasn't about me.” Or perhaps where someone made a hurtful comment about my weight. I could say “I am working towards my ideal body and it starts with me accepting the choices that got me here. In this moment, I am committed to the process of seeing myself as enough.”

As Jefferson recommended in the interview clip, own it. Take back your power and earn it. Then own the decisions you make from that moment on. We may fall back into old patterns but acknowledge the times we notice that pattern showing up. The more times we become aware of what we are picking up and carrying, the faster we will notice and be able to put them down again. We can acknowledge that the length of time we chose to carry the hurt simply reflects the gap we need to close. It isn’t helpful to criticize ourselves for the act of carrying the bags. The gift lies in the awareness so we can instead choose to be grateful for the new knowledge and from that moment on, choose something different. 

It isn’t about how long we chose to carry someone else’s stuff, it’s about getting ourselves to the moment where we are empowered to change. Look at it this way. When children learn something new, they don’t criticize themselves for all the time they spent not having that knowledge or skill. They start saying “hey, look what I can do” and show anyone that will take the time to watch. They practice and practice and relish in the way it feels to accomplish that new skill. We can do the same thing with our newfound realization. We can focus on how it feels to put down all of that baggage. We feel light and we feel relief and we now know that we have a choice of what we want to carry so we can feel empowered to say “no thank you” when faced with someone else’s baggage in the future.

What are you carrying that isn’t yours?