Soulwise guide: Are you a victim or a creator?

There are many times in my life where I have played the victim. Whether that was in a relationship, at home, school or work, it was easy to point the finger at someone or something else as the source of my suffering.

What I have learned over the course of my life is that every interaction we have is a relationship and you can't have a relationship without at least 2 people. Each person plays a part in the outcome of the interaction. The very nature of relationship is co-creating an experience. We each bring to the table our thoughts and beliefs that shape our choices, and our choices help shape our experience. This is the very source of our personal power - the power to choose our thoughts, beliefs and ultimately our actions. So, when things don't turn out the way we want, we can either own those choices, or blame others. The kicker is that if we choose to blame others, we are not in our power.

It took me years to finally be able to incorporate this lesson into my own life. I spent many years as a victim. I didn't know how to set boundaries in relationships and was so desperate for love and acceptance that I gave over my power to every person I interacted with. I gave in to whatever they wanted because it made them happy. I was a people pleaser. It was easier to accept someone else's desires as my own than to ask for what I wanted. I would quietly take on that for myself as if I wanted it and never spoke up. Until I got to a point where I really didn't want something and didn't know how to ask for something different or change what was on offer. Rather than saying no, I would get angry and frustrated and begin blaming the other person. I thought to myself, "they are treating me so badly and they are a horrible person for it." I became indignant and critical and simply unmoving. I put up a wall and became uncooperative. I proceeded to give up and fold. Throwing it back to the other person and saying "fine!" and either leaving, or giving in. Anything to avoid conflict. It was a way of attempting a boundary and attempting to discover my power of choice.

This continued on for many years and I suffered immensely. I had been conditioned in many ways, as we all are, by society to be complicit. To go along to get along. To be accepted by others and feel like I belonged. But I didn't belong because I saw the world differently and I had dreams. I didn't like how people treated each other, or how people asked me to follow rules that didn't make sense and only benefited certain people. I didn't like inequality or classes or ranks. We were all the same and deserved the same. We are all worthy.

It took me a long time to build up my power and to have the courage to speak my truth. To learn who I was and accept that I was enough. To show up with my thoughts and opinions and beliefs and own my experience. I finally learned that I have the power to create my experience through my thoughts and choices, and to own the outcome, good or bad. I learned that my power allows me to change my experience at any point simply by changing my thoughts and choices. It's more than just taking a perspective of the glass being half empty or half full. I can also choose what is in the glass and what the glass looks like and that I can drink what is in the glass or fill it with more. I can dump the glass if I don't like the taste of the contents of the glass. I can pour the contents into a different container if I don't like the glass.

The world tells us we should appreciate what we are given. I'm all for gratitude and appreciation but I also believe that I have the power to say no when the world tries to give me something that only benefits someone else. I can say no thank you and appreciate the gesture and continue to only accept what I choose to believe is right for me. If I accept something that isn't in my best interest out of either a sense of obligation or ignorance, I can change my mind once I realize that’s what I’m doing and become consciously aware that I made a choice that ended up not being in my best interest. Rather than blaming the person or persons that offered it, I see it as a learning and chalk it up to a valuable life lesson. Why? Because I have a choice to give away my power that moment and be the victim, or I can choose to own my power and be the creator. Which will you choose?