Stop Letting Other People Steal Space in Your Brain

Photo Credit: Amel Uzunovic on Pexels

I saw a really great post where a creator identified how he stole space in his wife’s brain on a daily basis. Basically he explained that every little question he asked like “Do we have enough dishwashing powder” or “What time is that thing on the weekend” or “Have you seen my keys?” were all things he chose to delegate to her brain to figure out, but were unnecessary. Unnecessary because he could easily spend his brain power figuring them out himself. He also stated this had a lasting effect on his kids, who observed this behaviour and took it on themselves. I’ve also heard this termed as “weaponized incompetence” which is a much harsher way of describing "a manipulative tactic where a person intentionally performs tasks poorly or feigns inability to do them to avoid responsibility, often forcing others to take over". Either way, the result is the same - placing undue cognitive pressure and effort onto someone else.

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) with a neurodivergent brain, I would always gladly take on these delegated tasks because for me it felt easy. After all, I had the information at the ready and I was proud of my memory and ability to find things - I can locate almost any lost object in my house! But I never considered that it was a bit of a catch-22. The more I took over this cognitive load, the more I was expected to take it on. Now, when I am feeling relaxed and refreshed, it isn’t a big deal. But when I am feeling stressed, it becomes completely overwhelming. I also realized that as an HSP, my empathy is always up for helping someone out and I tend to take on other people’s stuff. I’m a big advocate for personal power and boundaries, and this is a great example of a boundary I could create for myself in these situations.

Oftentimes I struggle to create boundaries where I don’t have the words to explain “why” I feel the way I do in certain situations. The more time I spend thinking about it, the better I get at finding the words. In this case, I learned a much kinder way to explain “weaponized incompetence”. Rather than assuming the other person is intentionally being cruel, I can explain it with terms that explain the real challenge for me, which is finding a way to reduce the cognitive load that comes from being asked to “rent out my brain space”. 

To me, there are two parts to the solution. One is having a conversation with the person involved. This can be a partner asking simple questions like outlined in the example, or even a co-worker who asks something like “when is our team meeting today?” or “where do I find that document the boss shared yesterday?”. I can create the boundary by saying something like “I’m sure if you look in your calendar you’ll find it” or “You know where we keep the food to check for yourself”, you can place the onus back on the individual. Tone here is key and I would probably also preface it with “I appreciate it’s a simple ask, but my brain isn’t available right now to do your thinking for you”. It’s important to communicate and allow the other person the opportunity to become aware of what they are really doing in these situations.

The second part is to build a boundary, which is really setting an expectation for what we are willing to do for others. In the past, I have found myself in these positions because people tend to take advantage of someone who is known for holding a lot of information. I was always the go-to person at work if anyone had questions. I allowed this, and I still do to an extent. So it will be necessary for me to also set a boundary that holds me accountable for when I lend my brain power and when I don’t. It starts with awareness, which came immediately after watching the post, and then continues with pattern observation, and the ability to notice in the moment when this pattern shows up. That gives me the power to make a different choice and respond to a brain power ask with gentle guidance like “have you checked the pantry to see if you can find it yourself?” Then a follow up of “I’m really trying to protect my cognitive load from unnecessary work today so I stay sane” or some such response. If a conversation ensues (conflict or not), it becomes an opportunity to challenge something I’ve noticed and explain my response. It becomes a negotiation for respect and acknowledgement of the boundary.

So, I think it’s a great topic for general awareness, but accountability belongs on both sides of the equation. We all have a part to play and rather than play the blame game or develop resentment, we can choose a more productive path that preserves relationships and builds our own sovereignty. Have you noticed where you take on this extra cognitive load? Let me know in the comments!