Communicating Your Boundaries

When I was first learning about boundaries, I struggled to understand how to effectively communicate them. I would notice a situation where someone challenged my boundaries, and depending on the day, I could either be calm and clear, I could stay silent thinking I didn't know what to say, or I could get angry and react with a snappy retort. I was essentially going back and forth between the different boundary archetypes. Sometimes I could be a boundary boss, and most times I was a Chameleon. But what I learned was that communicating boundaries is a skill that requires us to know ourselves and what we are willing to do for ourselves, to empower ourselves.

So I asked myself a few more questions. Why is it hard sometimes to speak up at work effectively when someone crosses a boundary? Why do I get triggered sometimes when someone gets angry because of something I did or didn't do? Why do I get frustrated when someone asks me to drop everything to deal with their current issue? These questions prompted me to ask "what is the difference between an opinion, an expectation, a demand and a boundary?"

The answer seemed simple enough, so I created a quick one page guide to explain it:

Boundary Infographic available on my Resources page.

The key is that boundaries have nothing to do with anyone else. A healthy boundary is what you have committed to for yourself and you are the only one required to do anything. Holding others accountable to take action for our boundaries doesn't work. Demanding that someone else does something to repsect your boundary or change their behaviour is completely ineffective. We each are accountable for our own decisions so how someone chooses to act is outside our control and is not worthy of our focus. We must use what is within our own control - our own choices - and communicate those choices as a consequence of someone else's actions. If they continue to choose the same behaviour, then we must decide for ourselves what we want to do with the relationship.

This can be a very hard choice when we are talking about intimate or familial relationships. But if we are not willing to do the work ourselves, we can't ask others to do the same. So if you can relate, and you haven't gone through The Sanctuary Method, give it a shot. Learn how to become more aware of what is getting in the way of your self-empowerment.

For a free download of the infographic above, visit my Resources page.